Starting New, But Not Over

I don’t know if life ever starts over new.

All the old stuff is what got us here, so this life is not really a new one. It's just a continuation of who we have always been becoming. Plus, I sure don’t want to lose some pretty important things from my “old” life.

But new things come up, and old steady things break, and sometimes I guess life seems to be starting over in a strange new place where I never thought I would be.

I don’t know if the term “single mother” really encompasses me. My mother was the real hard-core kind of single mother you hear about. She did it ALONE in every way; financially, emotionally, disciplinarily and everything in between. This is why on Father’s Day I call her before I call my actual father. After all, she took on being my provider and protector long before he ever tried.

But Elsa has a dad, and he’s been there since the beginning. From the second she was born he followed her to make sure those nurses didn’t drop her and to make sure they gave her her first bath gently. He took her for walks to ease the colic and rocked her in the wee hours of the morning. He’s dislodged tin foil from her throat (don’t ask). He’s leapt over park benches to stand under the jungle gym when he thinks she has climbed a little too high. We may have our differences, my soon to be ex-husband (my mom calls him my “was-band”) and I, but I think he’ll probably always jump over whatever he needs to to catch that kid. So, even though when I tuck my child in at night I do it alone, I know she’s still got two parents and not a “single.”

This new situation leaves me feeling more like a part-time parent, and that is hard. Some nights I don’t get to tuck her in. I tell bed time stories to a telephone. I don’t know what she wore for the day a couple of days a week. I don’t know where some of her sunburns came from, or what she had for dinner. It isn’t that I don’t think she is well taken care of; it’s that I don’t always get to be the one to do it. I hate dropping my little girl off and saying goodbye for two days, over and over again.

But when she is home, Elsa and I have a great time. It could just be that she is growing up and her thoughts are getting more complex. But I think there is something to be said about two girls on their own too. Don’t worry, we are not exactly becoming Thelma and Louise and I am still definitely a Mom before a pal (and I have to remind her of that often) but don’t think there has ever been a cooler six year old on this planet than mine.

Last night she and I agreed that we would work really hard, together, to save our money. I promised my daughter that if we did a good job at this that next summer I would move us in to a new place where we could have a puppy. I told her I would take her to a pet store next summer and tell her to pick any one of the puppies she wants. We had to sell Heidi and Klaus at the beginning of all this, and we both still have broken hearts. I promised her that when I got her a dog, it would be hers to keep forever.

This morning she offered me the $14 dollars she has been saving up for a Chuck E Cheese’s day, she said she wanted to put it toward the new house/puppy cause. I think we will go to Chuck E Cheese’s though. But I intend to keep the promise I made to my little girl.

I think we are going to be alright.