Well, now that I am all divorced and single again, I have gotten to thinking, what are the qualities I want in the man that I find to spend eternity with? Here is my list:

· Inexplicably moody: To me, there is nothing hotter than when you meet a guy and he stares you down, gets totally pissed at you without you saying one word, storms of, refuses to be in the same room with you for a while and then suddenly becomes Mr. Friendly and social without any explanation. And then, as you get to know him, alters between warm and friendly and cold and distant at the drop of a hat. It really gets the heart pumping, am I right girls?

· Attracted to me instantly for physical qualities: I know a lot of chicks are in to that whole, “I think a relationship is more real if we start out as friends and slowly build up a mutual respect and attraction based on similar values, thought patterns, or interests” crap, but I think it’s very un-poetic, unexciting, and unromantic. Come on, real love is like, meant to be. It’s cosmic. And the second a guy sees me, if I am his soul mate, he will totally know me by some physical rise he gets the moment he spots me –like the scent of my blood- and regardless of my personality, likes, dislikes, age, world view, choices, or understanding, he will be obsessed with my based on that one physical thing alone. Now that is real love and all that other stuff is for people who just don’t get it.

· Fights an impulse to hurt me: The world is full of guys who don’t hurt their girlfriends, but they just…you know…don’t want to. Give me a guy who has it in his very chemistry to want to violently mutilate pretty much everyone he meets, but chooses not to. It’s one thing to be with your lover and have him be gentle cause he’s a gentle guy, but just think of the depth of a guys commitment, and adoration for you if every time he sees you he wants to mutilate you for pleasure and he chooses not to. I really don’t think it proves anything when a guy treats you nicely if he just is a nice guy, but if he treats you nicely even though he would prefer to kill you, well baby, you got that guy hooked.

· Can’t figure me out so watches my every move, even when I sleep: All guys love a challenge and a girl they can’t figure out twenty seconds in is going to peak their interests. A lot of guys would just chat and expect ME to let them get to know me slowly and on my own terms. But I am looking for the guy that would ignore my potential desire to have privacy in my own bedroom and sit outside of it, night after night, watching what I do when I think I am alone. That would be a guy who wants to get to know the real me. I would be so flattered when I found out he did that for me. Plus, then we could skip all that boring stuff people do, where they talk about likes, dislikes, ideas, feelings- you know, the unimportant things that just drag on and on.

· Protective: I want to be treated like a cross between and invaluable porcelain antique vase, and a two year old child. I want the guy to tell me what I can and cannot do, and if I stray from his advice, I want him to scold watch my every move. I want him to follow me, be there at the first sign of danger to rescue me, and then scold me for almost breaking his heart by being hurt. I sigh in desperation at the thought that I may never find a man who considers my personal safety his mission in life, even if I don’t ask him to, and who, even when he is with me, looks at me with fear that I may fall, or break in some other way. It would make me feel like his most valuable possession.

· Let’s me live on the edge when I am with him: Nothing impresses me like a guy who needs extreme thrills to survive. You know, like a guy who goes crazy going 80 because it’s just too slow, so he has to REALLY floor it. That’s hot, especially when he shows me how in control of my life and death he is by doing it with me in the car. It’s like, total proof that I do belong to him and he knows it. And he will protect me from myself, or any outside harm, and when I am at risk, it will be the risk he chooses to put me in. How much more proof could I possibly want that he is both the strongest protective force I have on this planet, and the most dangerous thing I am involved with. It’s what every woman is secretly dreaming of. It’s like he’s telling me that if someone kills me, he only wants it to be him.

For a man like that, I would leave my entire world behind, including my family, any friends who don’t approve, and I would change, even on a molecular level, who I am . Seriously, for a love like that, without a thought, I am so there.

Ever since I was 5, I was force fed this idea that I could be my own person, choose a career, date several guys and have lots of friends before choosing “the one.” I was told I ought to develop my OWN identity and then find someone who compliments it, instead of finding the man I want and doing whatever I need to do, and becoming whomever I need to be, to make him want me. And I just want to thank the general population of women ages 14-45 in this country for finally banning together and pouring out in THRONGS to support Edward and Bella’s love in one of the most meaningful and well written pieces of literature to be published this century. Apparently, this is our collective fantasy, to say “be dammed with free thinking! We want a brute from the Victorian age to rescue us! Pronto! And throw in an animal or two he can fight over us with, all the better!”

Ladies, I am not sure we even deserve the vote anymore.

Cry with me, Joss Whedon.